Critical Kemp

“What? No Real American Heroes?”

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With the onslaught of Marvel and DC comic books hitting the big screen, you’d figure American actors would be working overtime saving the day and fighting crime.   In actuality, only the creators of Captain America, have hired locally.

It’s almost like it is being done on purpose.  Our American movies and uniquely American comic books with kick-ass American heroes have been conquered by Australia, Britain, Ireland, Wales – and dammit even Canada.  What’s up with our hometown actors?  Fuckin thespians.  As Health Ledger’s Joker said (oh, and he was Australian by the way):  “What happened, did your balls drop off?”  Wimps need to hit a gym – or spend some time sparring in the ring for a few rounds.

Fortunately, the one role that really needed to go to an American, “Captain America” was the one exception in this recent round of superhero movies.  The title role going to Chris Evans, who actually has the distinction of being the first actor to play two major Marvel superheroes – having subdued “Dr. Doom” and “The Silver Surfer” as “The Human Torch”.   Of course the Captain’s enemy, “The Red Skull”, is of English descent; Elrond himself – Hugo Weaving.  But let’s start there, the other actor with a similar distinction is Ryan Reynolds.  He was cool playing  “Dead Pool” in “Wolverine”,  a Marvel character.  But, this summer, the north of the border fella comes back as the DC Superfriend: “Green Lantern”.  Reynolds, a funny actor with balls & brio, and admittedly a good choice for both flicks, does wake up and salute a flag with a maple leaf on it.  And Chris Evans’ former leader, Mr. Fantastic in the “Fantastic Four”, was a Welsh dude, Ioan Gruffud.  I mean, Welsch?  Cmon.

Let’s stick with Marvel for now.  I dug the first Xmen Origins movie, “Wolverine”, and Hugh Jackman does have the muscle tone and machismo necessary for the role, but he’s another Aussie to have invaded our Hollywood shores from down undah.  So’s Thor, the new kid.  Chris Hemsworth has to hide his Crocodile Dundee accent to play the Norse god (and that’s alongside his British father, Odin, played by Anthony Hopkins).  Rounding out the list is our favorite arachnid avenger, Spiderman.  Move over Tobey, Brit Andrew Garfield assumes the stickyfingers role.

This recent trend made me reflect on the DC movie that reinvigorated interest in superhero movies over the last decade, Batman Begins.  Bale, the Batman, the Brit, crusaded with the help of Jim Gordon, or Gary Oldman, the other Brit, and Alfred, Mike Caine, even another Brit.  Batman’s enemies, also from the other side of the pond, included Liam Neeson – Ra’s Al Ghul from Ireland, Cillian Murphy’s Scarecrow from the UK, and even Brit Tom Wilkinson got a small role as the mob boss, Falcone.

So, man up fellas.  Wake up, recite the Pledge of Allegiance, salute a flag with stripes and stars, drive your Chevy to the audition wearing your blue jeans and cowboy hat, and get the damn part speaking American…I mean speaking English.   I mean…awww fuck.   ~Critical Kemp

John is a badass motha fucka

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