It’s a New Year full of many changes including break-ups.  Ending a relationship is never easy.  So I reached out to the LOVE Extraordinaire of YabYummy who teaches creating PEACE, LOVE and PASSION in your life.  Meet Kypris Aster Drake of YabYummy, who is  also the author of Journey to Sexual Wholeness: The Six Gateways to Sacred Sexuality. This is what she had to say about ending it:

When a good loving relationship constantly struggles with various issues when should you give up?

A lot of my clients ask me this question and it is a very complicated thing to access.   Every relationship is going to have its challenges and conflicts, so breaking up just because these things are happening, or expecting a relationship to be “perfect” is not the best idea.  Also, if you are feeling very upset and emotional, is NOT the time to break up with your partner.  In my mind, there are two times when it is really best to break up:  a.) When you have a strong inner knowing that it is the right thing to do or b.) When you are truly incompatible.

When do you know that’s it?

In my own experience of what I call a “healthy” breakup is one that comes after everything has been tried to save the relationship.  There is a feeling of calm knowing that happens.  In relationship, breaking up has to happen at the right time, not just for the right reasons.  Waiting until both partners feel it is the right thing for the relationship and taking the time to talk through the transition calmly and consciously leads to a breakup that leaves behind less grief and more post-breakup harmony.  Also, waiting for this feeling of “knowing” makes it much more likely that you will be able to maintain some kind of friendship after the breakup.  This is especially important in a breakup where children are involved or where both parties are involved in business or some other long term life situation together.

What physiological changes occur in our bodies after a breakup? Please describe if there is a difference with women and if different for men.

For the body, a breakup is much like a death.  As humans all our emotions seem to register is that the other person is gone.  Whether they are dead or just absent from our lives doesn’t seem to make a lot of difference to the process that happens in the body.  In a partnering, all sorts of hormones like dopamine and oxytocin” feel good” and “bonding” hormones are produced.  When you break up, your body goes into withdrawal from these chemicals in your brain.  For most of us, this process takes about a year, sometimes longer in a very long term or intense relationship.  A great book on the brain chemistry of relationships is The Brain in Love by Daniel G. Amen.

How do you move forward after the break-up?

Moving forward in my mind consists of three steps: 1.) Accepting that the relationship is over.  2.) Coming into a loving relationship with yourself and 3.) Opening up to forming a new relationship with someone else when you are ready.  This process can take a year or more, and in fact most therapists recommend that you take at least a year to rearrange your
internal “furniture” before you get into another relationship.  Otherwise you run the risk of a rebound relationship that you are only engaging in out of fear of being alone.  I find it especially interesting how our culture views aloneness with suspicion, while promoting the view that we should be “over it” after a few weeks or months have passed.  It is actually much healthier for all concerned to take some time between relationships, and the more you work on your relationship with yourself, the more likely that your next relationship
will be healthier and happier than the previous ones.

How do you get over your ex if you have to deal with them?

This is probably one of the hardest things that can happen in a breakup, and yet this is where the biggest potential for growth and happiness lives.  In my experience, it is really easy to get over a relationship if you don’t see them or talk to them, because you give up the hope that you will ever get back together again. Seeing each other frequently after the breakup can be challenging because we may either be demonizing our ex, or dreading dealing with them, or we may be idealizing them and seeing getting back together as the answer to all our problems. Doing a relationship review to get clear about what was good and what was bad in the relationship for you will really help.  Also setting clear boundaries with your ex about how you will interact with them is a must.  Finally, being unfailingly kind, polite, resisting the desire to snipe at them, give them advice, or get upset about their behavior will help smooth over this sticky situation.  In my own life, I have had work relationships with exes, as well as continuing to raise a child with an ex.  In both these relationships, things got easier when I let go of the past.  In reality, when you breakup your romantic relationship you are also creating a new relationship; whatever that relationship will be.  Whether you become friends, co-parents, business partners or some other type of relationship, it is a completely different relationship from the one you were in before.  Treating it that way will make things easier.

Please describe the mindset of not to degrade the recent ex.

After my second divorce, I vowed to myself that I would create a civil relationship with my ex for the sake of my son.  After a while, I realized that forcing myself to be pleasant and removing myself from my ex’s company when I couldn’t hold it in any longer was benefitting me too.  This was because it led to my ex also not doing these behaviors with ME.   He
learned really fast that I would not play this game with him.  Furthermore, I realized that if there were something in him good enough to make me want to marry him in the first place, that he must have had good qualities.  I focused on those qualities and simply seal the bad qualities.  If he tried to start an argument with me, I would simply tell him “I don’t want to talk about that right now, we are clearly both too upset to talk about it calmly.”   If he persisted, I would hang up the phone, or leave, or if I couldn’t do those things and I would repeat my request to be quiet about it.  The follow up to this is that if there are real issues that have to be discussed, you must make time in the future to talk about them.  If you can’t trust yourselves to do it calmly and politely, then get a good friend, minister, or counselor to mediate for you.  This is something you do for YOU to maintain your sanity and your peace of mind.

How much time do you think it takes to heal from a breakup?

For me, it seems to take an amount of time at least equal to the amount of time that we were in relationship, sometimes less.  I would say it took me, for example, about 5 years to feel fully healed from my 12 year relationship with my son’s father.

How do you take care of you without going insane?

In my experience, if you are taking care of yourself, this is what prevents insanity.  Self care is the number one best thing you can do for yourself.  Getting enough sleep, daily xercise, and good nutrition are all extremely important.  If you are having trouble sleeping, then there are several spiritual and emotional remedies that work better than pills to help you get over this time in your life. Also reaching out to your friends for support at this time is really important.  It really helps after a breakup to remember that you are not alone.

Is it possible to be friends with your ex and not have any more sex with them?

Absolutely!  I am good friends with my son’s father and we haven’t had sex since our divorce 5 years ago.  It is important to set this as a boundary in your mind if this is what you ant.  In my experience, “backsies” are just not usually a good idea, which can actually create MORE trauma and grief in the long run.

How to end it gracefully?

The thing that I recommend for the graceful ending of a relationship is a transition ceremony. One of the biggest challenges in our culture is that the only ending we really recognize is when someone dies.  Both times after my divorces, I wanted some kind of official ceremony with more than just that little piece of paper that comes from the judge.  Finally,  after a third long term relationship of 4 years ended we actually performed a “transition ceremony”.  It was very powerful in giving us an opportunity to forgive each other and to let go.  I honestly believe this is the “closure” that many of us are longing for after breakups but very seldom get.

For more information about how to create more passion all around you go to: Yabyumm.com/store .

MM Gspot. It’s about mental stimulation. The brain is the biggest sex organ.  Melissa articles have an eclectic range that are a variety of humorous, sexy, thought provoking and heart hitting discussions.  Melissa is gorgeous, hot, edgy, sharp and witty. Wanna get high? Read MM Gspot where your mind climaxes.