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Real or Fake

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I don’t know if this story is real or fake, but either way it is one of the funniest things I have read. I had this forwarded to me about a year ago and just found it in my archives.  I still have tears in my eyes picturing this guy. It’s long, but keeps getting better and better. Rollers,  enjoy this one.   TMTMTL@RollinSD.com

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift  for the wife.  A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for  their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at  Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The  occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a  100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer  were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on  your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to  safety….??

WAY TOO  COOL!

Long story short, I bought the  device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn  thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned,  however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity  darting back and
forth between the  prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to  explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her  microwave.

Okay, so I was home  alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all  that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat
in my  recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)  while
I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed  to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must  admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)  and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was  going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a  mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised..  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a  pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched  delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and  tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would  shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed  to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a  three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the  ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds  would be wasting the batteries.

All  the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,  less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded  with two itsy,
bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no  possible way!’ What happened
next is almost beyond description, but  I’ll do my best.. .?

I’m sitting  there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst  from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I  decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it. I  touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and . . . .  . . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF  MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran  in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, and then  body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I  vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on  fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under  my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs? The cat was  making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, clinging to a  picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in
an attempt  to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room.

Note: If you ever feel  compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of
caution: there  is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You  will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand  by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst  would be considered
conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be  sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my  wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My  bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it  originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still  twitching.. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and  my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had
no control over the  drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself,  but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I  saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my  hair. I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant
reward for their safe return!

P.S. My  wife, can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and  now
regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult,  try being stupid  !!!

Now as an added bonus here is a Tazer Compilation video.  The guy drinking the beer is awesome and then there is the chick tazering her boyfriend – this guy goes down hard.

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