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Mocking The Mock

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While diving into a bowl of delicious Cocoa Pebbles the other morning, I heard this loud, annoying, bickering sound coming from my morning sports highlights.  At first, my keen SportsCenter ears think – Skip Bayless.  No.  Then I think Hannah Storm.  Nope, damnit…it was Mel Kiper…Jr.

Now that the Super Bowl is over and Aaron Rodgers has put his place in Cheese Head lore, we will get a heavy dose of why spread quarterbacks can’t play in the NFL (Tom Brady, shotgun, and four midget receivers? Not spread apparently), 300 hundred pound men running the 40 in their underwear, and of course, Mel Kiper and Todd McShay debating the 1st pick like it’s a topic at the Iowa caucus.

Now, as much as I want to mock the pre-draft hoopla, and as much as I really want to mock Mel Kiper, I can’t.  Sure, both are complete overkill.  Mock drafts before the season is over and the draft order is in place?  Speculating speculation.  Mel Kiper’s fake hair vs. Todd McShay’s fake tan?  Well at least Todd McShay played football…in high school.  By those qualifications you, I, Miley Cyrus, and Matt Millen could do that job.  Actually, that’s false.  Matt Millen got fired as an actual NFL CEO, and of course, got hired by ESPN.

But OK, down from my cynical soapbox to give Mel Kiper, Jr. some foot-in-mouth credit.  I mean let’s face it; this guy’s a genius and not just a football genius.  He’s living every man’s dream working for ESPN and has created a career out of an event that lasts ONE day.  It technically lasts one weekend now, but we can probably attribute that to Mel Kiper’s over-analysis of that 4th round sleeper pick from Montana State.  In fact, even if there’s an NFL lockout, Mel and the draft will still go on.  Think about that, the whole league could be out of business, but Mel Kiper, Jr. will still get paid to “analyze” players who aren’t even in the NFL.

His hair has become so big, and his Big Board so valuable, that there’s been several accusations of him rating players higher because he gets paid by the player’s agent.  I mean, there are sleazy Senators on Capitol Hill who get paid and lobbied to pass laws, and then there’s Mel Kiper, Jr. who gets paid and bribed by agents to say that Ryan Leaf would be the next, well, Peyton Manning.

So cheers to you, Mel Kiper, Jr., for having more hair than me, creating your own awesome career, and making millions.  You are, for better or worse, living the American Dream. ~ADLP

John is a badass motha fucka

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